Love & Gratitude For My Father

My father died last week.

I was driving to Manila last Sunday with my family to attend my nephew’s birthday. It has been my habit to stop over either the Starbucks in Batangas where I reside or Starbucks at Caltex, San Pedro, Laguna in SLEX each time I drive to Manila. On that day, around 9:40 am, I decided to stop over in SLEX and asked Leslie to get me my favorite Grande Extra Hot Cappucino.

While waiting in the car, I texted my father. He’s been having trouble sleeping in the past couple of days due to muscle pains and flu-like symptoms. He called me right away and I heard him catching his breath, saying he’s acquired a cough already. I told him to go to the hospital asap but I learned my mother wasn’t there. I immediately called my mother and my siblings to get an ambulance. We were all in panic. We’ve been calling each other to coordinate how can he get to the hospital the soonest.

My gut was telling me that that day can be his last, and I told Leslie to be ready. I wasn’t calling back my father because hearing him talk was painful enough.

After a few minutes, I got a call from my mother who has just arrived home. She was shouting that her husband was having a heart attack and then eventually passed away while she was watching a first-aid building staff resuscitate him.

I seemed calm while driving but my mind was all over the place. I was supposed to pick up my two children at home in Taguig but we went straight to my parent’s place in Makati. Upon reaching the condo, we found out that my father was brought to Makati Medical Center by the building emergency group together with my mother to seek hope.

The hospital declared my father dead Nov 8 at 10:39 am.

Due to covid protocols, my siblings and I were hesitant to follow to the hospital so we met up at the parking lot of Waltermart Makati to make calls and set a plan. Upon parking the car, I broke down, cried, and asked my siblings why? At that point, we gave it up because it’s over.

We were all in a state of shock and then we end up going to the ER altogether to see our father for the last time before his cremation, which is a government protocol this pandemic.

The first thing that came to my mind when I learned he passed away was why he did not go to the ER? Was he that stubborn? Or did he just give up fighting for his life? Or probably he was ready to go.

I wanted something or someone to blame but I kept on giving up the thought.

It was my first time to experience the death of an immediate family. I have been convincing myself in the past two decades that death is inevitable and I kept on telling myself that I can accept whatever comes in the future. But in reality, you can never be ready. You can never easily accept it. You have to go through the heartbreak and the painful process of grieving. You have to let go of the emotions and cry it out loud.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression ten years ago and underwent proper treatment. I already have forgotten how depression feels like since then until last week. I suddenly felt that dark emotion like somebody is holding your heart and pumping it.

I am writing this to honor my father. He was my epitome of integrity. He was a righteous man who did nothing but do his responsibilities for his wife and his children and even his grandchildren. He worked hard for us, he did not cheat on life and did not take any shortcuts to success and wealth. I never heard him say bad things about people neither did something to take advantage of other people to his favor.

Many of his former colleagues in Flowserve Saudi Arabia emailed my mother to send their condolences and that is where I learned that he was a legend in their organization. Many of them miss him especially with his technical skills and experience in their field.

At 70, he died with no grudges and he was fulfilled with his success in raising his children and his work which he always talked about. There’s so much more to tell about him and I am so proud of him.

I dream to be remembered like how he is now remembered.

His death inspired me to strive to become the best person for myself and for the people I serve; my family, my clients, and my colleagues.

All I feel is love and gratitude.

There’s so much that has happened this 2020 and I pray for people to gain more strength to persevere and get through life adversities.